“You can only miss something that you have searched for and partially experienced. In fact, you do not even search for it until you have already touched it.”

Richard Rohr 2015

This is one of those paradoxes we come across in life. It’s counterintuitive. If I’ve never had something, then how can I miss it? Try growing a plant without any light or warmth. And watch it die. For lack of something it’s never had, it dies. It doesn’t “know” what it needs to thrive. It does much better in the right conditions and it is hard wired to seek heat and light.

It’s an experience I’ve seen a lot in my clinical work - people struggling to succeed in their life due to an early lack of love and care. They might come to see me for anxiety or depression but what soon unfolds is a gap. Somewhere along the line there was a lack of love that was rich enough to provide the necessary conditions for growth. I was talking with a patient recently who is stuck in dead end jobs because he can’t seem to take in the knowledge he needs to learn new skills to get him further up the job ladder. One of many reasons for this is that his father left the family when he and his sister were very young. But also those early years were characterised by his father’s volatile behaviours. My patient soon learned that what was promised in the morning could be forgotten by the afternoon and changed again by the evening. Part of our work together will simply be my keeping to my boundaries as far as possible. To keep our sessions on a fixed day and for the agreed length. The emotional equivalent of enough heat and light.

In this way he can begin to grow and thrive, having finally found a source of those elements he will need to grow. So despite his early loss, he can recover it in his relationship with me.

For this is the heart of all therapy work. To allow the patient to find a space where they can find those things that they have lost. Whatever form that early loss takes. Coming into therapy is a big step but a wise one, offering a chance to heal and grow.

As a last word you will find my way of working particularly helpful if you have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which at its heart is about the damage done when those necessary elements of love and care are constantly lacking during early childhood. It is like leaving the infant or young child with a tool box full of tools but with no help or guidance on how to use them.

(picture: Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash)