Today is Valentine’s day. Another marketing bonanza where bottles of cheap fizz double in price overnight. And red roses are delivered by security guards in view of their cost.

This blog is not a tirade about the power of the Market - justified though that could be! It’s a counselling blog and aimed at all those folk who aren’t in some kind of settled , nourishing relationship.

Valentine’s day is one of those festivals, like Christmas, Easter and Summer Holidays that divide people. Love them or hate them, their impact is hard to avoid. If you are still ”looking for love” but can’t find it, coming to see a counsellor could be a good place to look. Counselling offers a place to look at ourselves - our values, our upbringing, our experience of life so far. What view do we have of ourselves and our worth? People with a low sense of their own value often find partners who will confirm that view of themselves. Mostly, if you value yourself, you will choose a partner who values you in return. It is striking how often women, in particular, make relationships with men who will devalue them. Several of my clients have been in a second or third abusive relationship with men who denigrate them and put them down. Why do they end up here? Partly because it’s familiar. And, therefore, “safe”. If all my relationships have kept me down and depressed, that becomes my expectation. The known and familiar is “safe”. Even when it isn’t! 

Another difficulty is the "serial romancer”. The man or woman who always has a new ”Date” on their arm. But nobody ever stays long. After a while we stop hoping for the Perfect one to appear. Always looking for the challenge of the “ perfect mate” - who thankfully doesn’t exist! (“Perfect people” tend to have low self esteem , needing the newest partner as a trophy. A Cinderella who must always leave before their “true" identity is discovered. 

The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott talks about the “good enough” mother. The one who gives their child enough love and care to let them grow and find their own way. Counselling is the same. Coming to see me won’t turn you into some kind of emotional superstar who always gets everything right. But it can help you grow into a “good enough” person who can enjoy a “good enough” relationship with a “good enough” partner.

The technical term is “Love”!

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash